Sorry.
No problem. No problem. Um... half an hour?
Another day, another dollar.
Any mail?
- That's your... that's an earring. - Whatever. Get over it.
- How long have you had that? - Too long, baby.
- It's bleeding. - Really stings.
- Is it an old one that...? - Yeah and I had to push
really hard at the time and it was sort of like frozen.
They heal over.
It had healed over. So I just opened a sore...
- You know some.. What are you looking at? - I'm not looking at anything.
You know those people that came in, ray and jude that I had the meeting with?
We kknow they do sort of training seminars and use expert speakers, don't they?
- They're using me.. For my.. You know.. - Expertise.
Well the good news for you, young lady, is you're involved.
- How? - I'm doing one tonight.
I'm getting quite a bit of money for it. £300.
So I need someone just to carry my bag and organise...
- Oh, well, I'm not... - £100 for an hour's work tonight.
- £100 for an hour? That is a lot. - 80.
- You just said a 100. - 90.
- You just said a 100. - All right. Get there early, then.
Sharing the wealth, see? Looking after...
That is silly money, 100 for that. I should have...
Very exciting. It's what I've always wanted to do.
I've had these cards made up.
"David Brent. Assertiveness and guidance training in business.
"If it's in you, I'll find it." That's actually what I do.
I go along and I just point out what you've already got. I'm like a spiritual guide.
The reason I put ""lf" it's in you I'll find it"
is if I waste good time and money looking for it
and I can see it's definitely not in you, I don't want
to be sued because you haven't got it so..You know..
You're not gonna get me on that.
- What's going on here? - What does it look like?
How long has this been going on? When were you going to tell me?
Huh?
I can't believe you'd get off with a bird that I fancy.
Why can't you believe that, gareth?
What I can't believe is a bird fancies you over me,
for a start. He's a weird little bloke. Look at his
cartoon face and his hair. He looks like a fisher price man. His rubbish clothes.
It makes me think there's something wrong with you, for a
start. But yet in my head, I'd still do you, so I'm confused.
Allright. I'll ask you straight. Is there anything
that can happen between us two while this is going on?
- Like what? - Specifically?
Yeah.
Hand job? Don't answer. Think about it.
- Do I look like a fisher price man? - Yeah!
Don't say yeah.
- Hi, dawn. - Hi.
- Your favourite computer geek is here. - Jesus!
All right, Simon? How's it going?
What are you doing with my computer?
It's not your computer, is it? It's wernham-hogg's.
Right. What are you doing with wernham-hogg's computer?
You don't need to know.
No I don't need to know but could you tell me anyway?
- I'm installing a firewall. - Ok. What's that?
Protects your computer against script kiddies,
data collectors, viruses, worms and trojan horses
and it limits your outbound Internet communications. Anymore questions?
- How long will it take? - Why, do you want to do it yourself?
- No I can't do it myself. How long will it take you,
out of interest? - It will take as long as it takes.
- How long did it take last time...? - It's done.
Now I'm gonna switch it off, when it comes back
on it'll ask you to hit yes, no or cancel.
- Hit cancel. Do not hit yes or no. - Right.
- Did you hear what I said? - Yup.
- What did I say? - Hit cancel.
Um... I'm an educator.
I'm a motivator of people. I excite their imaginations.
It's like bloody "dead poet's society" sometimes out there.
You know at the end, when they all stand on the tables and..
I wouldn't want them on the tables, literally..
It's against health and safety, for one thing.
My point is this. Life is about communication.
We live for threescore year and ten
and it's "did I communicate?" "Yes you did."
"Did I get something across?" "Yes you did."
"Are you going to pay me for it?" "Yes. Lots."
"Thanks very much". Not why I do it, but thank you.
Going go-karting again at weekend with the lads.
Oh yea. What, down super karts?
- Mm. - You any good?
Came first last time I went. 8:51 minutes. Got a certificate.
Yeah well I went down there the first day it opened,
right. And I did a couple of laps, I pulled over.
The bloke that runs the thing came over and said, "allright, no
professionals." I took my helmet off and said, "I'm not a professional."
He said, "you're not a professional? I said "no". He said "well you should be".
"If I was you I'd take up formula one. If you drive
like that you'll probably be the best in the country."
I said, "I'm not interested. I'm making shitloads out of computers."
You ever tried speedway?
- Have you? - Yeah.
- I was doing it once, and I bombing it round and some
idiot had left like a ramp thing out. - Litterbugs.
I could see the people were going, "oh my God! If that guy
hits that ramp going at that speed, he's definitely dead."
I hit the ramp, I took off in the air, I turned over in the
air. They were going, "well he's definitely dead now."
I landed on my wheels, pulled over and said "what were you worried about?"
- About five? - Five.
- Who's this who chatted with you? - What's this then? A mothers' meeting?
Dawn tells me she's shutting down the reception at five.
Well just half hour early today.
- Do you think it can run ok without her? - Yeah. They
can answer their own phones, do their own post-it notes.
- Oh that's good. So we can probably lose her altogether, can we? - What do you mean?
- Well if you don't need a receptionist we might as well let her
go. Either she's needed or she's not. - We do need a receptionist.
Well my point is, David, you haven't put a system in place.
For your own needs you've told dawn to shut down the reception at five.
You haven't told these people they can pick up the phone if it rings.
I mean does dawn know that they can do their own post?
Dawn, they can do their own post tonight.
It's no use telling her now. It's just there's no system in place.
- You're not thinking things through. I'm tired of this fuzzy
thinking, David. - Allright. Chill out. Don't have a cow, mate.
Don't talk to me like you've forgotten who's in
charge here. Let me remind you I'm your boss, ok?
- Yeah. - Just try and think things through.
That was your fault. Took the rap for you, didn't I?
Once, right, when Bruce Lee was filming, one of the
extras just came over and just started a fight.
Oh yeah I know this. He was amazing at kung fu
but Bruce Lee just did a roundhouse on him...
Well no. He smashed him through a wall. And instead of firing him, he
just said, "go back to where you were. Let's get on with the filming."
Man, those cats were as fast as lightning.
You know when he's fighting Chuck Norris in "enter the dragon"...?
- No. - You've not seen that?
No.
Have you not...? I can't.. That is a classic.
No. Not seen him fight Chuck Norris in "enter the dragon",
I've seen him fight Chuck Norris in "way of the dragon."
- That's what I meant. - Is it?
Why did you say you'd seen him fight Chuck Norris in "enter the dragon".
He fights Bob wall in both, but Norris is only in "way of the dragon."
- So when he's fighting Chuck Norris... - In what?
- In "way of the dragon." - Correct, at last.
Um...
You know Bruce Lee's not really dead, don't you?
Yeah it's in a book. What he did was he faked his own death
so that he could work undercover for the Hong Kong police
- infiltrating drugs skanks and the triads. - I reckon it's true.
Yeah I reckon it's true coz if you were gonna
send someone undercover to investigate the triads
you'd probably want the world's most famous Chinese film star!
Gone off dawn now, have you?
- What? - What? What are you talking about?
Just shut up. Shut up.
Do a credit check. We haven't worked with them for ages.
We're going out about 4 o'clock aren't we?
Yeah.
- Oi, Tim. - Mm?
- You shagged her yet? - What?
- Your bird? What's her name? - Rachel?
- Have you done her yet or what? - Course he hasn't.
I don't kiss and tell, Lee. I bet you bloody have, ain't you?
Lips are sealed. Don't ask me.
He's done well there.
- What do you mean done well? - She's tasty. She's nice.
- But you don't even know her. - No I mean she's very attractive.
She's not very attractive.
I think ray will introduce me and I'll come out and I do a bit of.. A few gags,
and then I'll go, "right! You have to be thick-skinned in business."
"It doesn't matter if you're the tea-boy or the general manager,
people will try and rock your confidence and shake your spirit.
"Do not listen to them. Let's try a little exercise."
And I'll just go into the audience and I'll pick on someone
at random. I'll just go "you sir. What's your name?"
- Say your name. - Leroy.
- Where's Leroy come from? - The coloured fellow of "fame".
- Use your own name. - Gareth.
"Hi, gareth. Gareth. Insult me. Let me show
you that sticks and stones may break my bones
"but names will never hurt me."
Just throw some insults at me and I'll show you how to roll with the punches.
The swindon lot don't seem to respect you.
Why would they say that? They don't know me. They're
not gonna know.. And it's not true. Do something else.
Lot of people are laughing at the heels on your shoes.
I'm not going to be wearing these shoes, am I?
You going to be wearing the earring?
They're having a go at that as well, are they? What else?
- They've given you a nickname. - The swindon lot?
- Yeah but everyone's using it. - What is it?
- Well, I don't really... - Oh come on. What is it?
- Bluto. - The villain from popeye?
- 'Cause of the beard? - Because he's...
What's that? That's.. I can't believe this.
They'll know it was me that told you! David!
Hello. Sorry, everybody.
Look, we are one big happy family here.
I've been trying to welcome you new guys.
I didn't want you here, but you're here now, so well done. Welcome.
But if there's one thing I don't like, it's nicknames.
Because nicknames are bad... names.
Yeah? They're not helpful.
They can be very hurtful. Not to me - it's like water off a duck's back, but...
- You used to call Malcolm "Kojak". - That was affectionate.
You know, he was a great detective and a fine actor.
Well maybe "mr toad" is affectionate.
- Who's mr toad? - Some people call you that as well.
- I thought I was bluto? - Yeah. Bluto and mr toad.
Why am I mr toad?
There's the face again. What..? It's an insult, isn't it? Very...
Body fascism is what that is. The toad is the ugliest of all the amphibians.
If we're handing out insults for being fat, let's have a go at him.
Look at him. And he's got glasses. Let's call him four-eyes as well.
Why don't we call him fatty fatty toad boy? If we're..
You know at least start on him and then move on...
Mr toad! I can't...
- Everything adding up? - Yeah. It was a real mess beforehand.
- On top of it now? - Yes.
How about you, Brenda? How's things?
Yeah allright, but I didn't get my wages through again.
- Did you not? Really? Did you tell David? - Yes. I told him in time.
I'm really sorry about that. Let me sort that for you now.
- I don't want to cause... - No don't worry. It's fine.
- Working hard? - Working out.
- Fit body. Fit mind. - Good. Couple of things.
- Did your wages go through ok this month? - Yeah.
- Yours, gareth? - Yup. Fine.
Good. So you two are ok. Why, then, has one of your team
come to me saying they haven't been paid this month?
Oh. Eh?
No.
He fears my methods because he doesn't understand my
methods. Human nature. The unkown. Sure, but relax.
I don't want all this, "what are you doing? How are you doing it?"
No. Judge me by my results.
This is not the first time you've forgotten something
important. It's not the first time this week.
- Now it worries me that someone feels they have to
go over your head and to come to me. - Snitches.
I've never seen you write anything down. You've got two
computers. I don't even know what you use them for.
- You've got to have some sort of system. - It's all up there.
- Yea but it's not all up there, is it? - Most of it is.
Look David, I'll tell you now. When I was managing the swindon branch,
our perception of your branch was "they're having a laugh".
- Thanks very much. - Not in a good way.
Having a laugh. Mucking around at the expense of wernham-hogg.
Who's to say if they weren't mucking around, having
a laugh all the time, it would be much worse?
I'm not interested in that, David. I get the impression that you'd
rather be popular than steer the ship in the right direction.
Rubbish. This branch has performed very well.
It performed ok. I want it to perform a lot better.
There you go. What is "better?" Coz I could show you a
graph of people versus task, and where does the line go?
The line goes where I want it to go. Now if you can't improve your
margin and your volume sales, with or without making people laugh -
you can't do that, you and I are going to have a very serious chat.
Is this why you're around all the time? Keeping
tabs on me? Coz I don't need a babysitter.
Well, with respect, David, I think you do.
Now I'm aware of this management training thing you're doing tonight
and I'm worried it's gonna affect your performance at work.
That's extracurricular, you know. Some people play golf.
- Well I play golf. - There you go.
Yes, but I'm performing as I want me to perform.
You're not. Performing as I want you to perform.
- I'm performing as I want me to perform. - I don't want you to perform
like that. - It's a good performance. Let's agree to disagree.
No. Let's agree that you agree with me.
Ooh. You're hard. Showing off because...
I think I've made my point, David. I'll see you later.
- What are you doing? - You're a bit tense.
I am with him...
- Does that feel nice? - Yeah, but...
- Do some more work on your abs? - Not now.
- Is he ready yet? - Who?
- David. - I dunno.
- So what are you doing tonight? - I think we're just gonna go to the pub.
- "We" is? - Me and Rachel.
Rachel. Excellent. Just a couple of pints.
Couple of pints. We won't go mad.
Well, uh.. Think of me, stuck with... You should come for a laugh.
- We'd better stay out of it. - Definitely. Wise.
- All right, babes. - See you later.
See you later. Wish us luck on our date.
Not a date. She's got a boyfriend. And I'm paying her.
What sort of date would that be? I think you know.
And £100. What would I get for that?
Not that I would, coz you would't... Everything, I imagine.
I'm not imagining any of it, but I do know what sort of.. I'm just..
Ok then. There we go. Carry that. That's what you're being paid for.
Tonight you've got two groups. They're both from reading, I think.
The other three guys have all done it before, so...
- I'll introduce you when they get here. - I love being backstage.
Can we just take a photo? It's for the website and the newsletter, if that's ok?
No problem. You gotta take a light reading?
I think it'll be ok.
- If you just... - Yeah.
Can you just be yourself. A bit more relaxed.
Something like that?
- Not quite. - Ok.
- Maybe if you just sit down. - You're the boss.
I'm looking forward to this actually. I think it'll be quite a good one.
- Hello, mate. - Are you guys talking at this gig as well?
Yeah. We're just having a sneaky joint.
Well, partially decriminalised now anyway, isn't it? At last.
- Go for it. - Ok.
- Is it skunk? - Just weed. Do you want to have a taste?
- You sure? - Yeah. I'm on a diet.
When I get wasted, I go to munchie-city, so...
I'm mad enough without the gear as well. I'll take a rain check. Catch you later.
- Yeah. - Chill.
We've got four speakers for you tonight, so no messing about.
To begin with, from sound investments, mr mark found.
Let me dispel a myth.
Just because you're a success in your life, some people
will tell you that you shouldn't be able to sleep at night.
You should. Why? Because this is a business.
Your future hasn't happened yet. You shape it. You're in the driving seat.
Thanks.
Thanks to Richard Clark from stockport graphics.
Now some words of advice on motivational
techniques. From wernham-hogg, mr David Brent.
Get out.
Go on. I've opened the door for you.
If you're not going to make it, go now. Yeah?
Save us all a bit of time. If you don't think you can cut it.
No? Good.
- You finished in there? - No.
Ok.
You're all looking at me, and you're going, "you're a success."
"You've achieved your goals. You're reaping the rewards." Sure, but..
"Oi, Brent! Is all you care about chasing the yankee dollar?"
Let me show you something that I always keep with me.
Just a little book. "Collective meditations." It's
a collection of philosophers, writers, thinkers.
Native American wisdom.
Which I.. And it's really showing you
that the spiritual side needs as much care and attention as the physical side.
It's about feeding the soul. Evolving spirituality.
Foreword by Duncan goodhew. So...
Can I read one which I think...?
"If all men were to bring their miseries together in one place,
"most would be glad to take each his own home again
"rather than take a portion out of the common stock."
It's saying, for the first time, the grass isn't always greener on the other side.
Don't look over your neighbours fence and go, "ooh he's
got a better car. Ooh he's got a more attractive wife."
We all wake up and we go, "oh, I ache. I'm not 18 anymore."
I'm thirty ni..You know. I'm in my 30s. But so what? At least I've got my health.
And if you haven't got your health, if you've got
one leg, at least you haven't got two legs missing.
And if you have lost both legs and both arms, just go, "at least I'm not dead!"
I'd rather be dead in that situation, to be honest.
I'm not saying people like that should be put down.
I'm saying that in my life, I'd rather not live without arms and legs because...
I'm just getting into yoga, for one thing, so..
Are you familiar with the term, "laughter is the best medicine"?
Well it's true. Yeah?
When you laugh, your brain releases endorphins, your stress hormones reduced
and the oxygen supply to your blood is increased. So, you feel..
I try and laugh several times a day because it makes you feel good.
Let's try that. Who-hoo-hoo.
Just...
C'mon trust me, you'll feel...
Yeah?
I'd be lying if I said my life had turned out exactly as I'd expected.
My old school just recently had a school reunion, which I didn't go to,
but one girl in my class, it turns out, right,
that she is now running her own Internet auction website, making a fortune
and is happily married to a marine biologist.
She used to eat chalk.
Ok. Well that's about it from yours truly. Thanks
for taking all I had to throw at you. I'm spent.
I am now going to make like a banana and split!
He got it. Ok.
Before I go, though, promise me you'll remember one thing.
Just remember...
# You're better than all the rest
# better than anyone c'mon! Listen to her.
# Anyone I've ever met
come on. Get into it.
# I'm stuck on your heart
I've been David Brent. You've been the best. Goodnight.
# Tear us apart
# baby, I would rather be dead... #
- Er... our thanks to David...
- Who stopped it? - I did.
No don't stop it. Leave it going right to the end till I get...
- Don't do that again next time, ok? - Sorry.
David Brent from wernham-hogg.
I'll let you into a little secret now, right? Before I
went out there, I was worried whether I still had it.
I'll let you be the judge of that.
High five. Don't leave me.. Hanging, dawn.
Oh, jeez! Here he is.
- Tina a bit too much for you? - Possibly.
It's your job. Hold me back, because when I'm out there I am...
And it's like... So that's up to you, I'm afraid.
Tell you what though. They seemed to go for it, didn't they?
- Knock knock. - Hiya. You all right?
- Yeah. Well done. - What did you think?
- Well my tastes are quite traditional... - Bit too rock and roll for you?
- Possibly. - Each his own. Each his own.
Better warn you now, that was me on a seven.
So wait till you see me on a nine or ten!
- Here's your cheque. - Thanking you. Well, there you go.
More importantly though, what pub we going to?
More important than that? £300? I don't think so! Where we going?
- We'll just grab some food and go home. - Pizza?
Yeah? Never mind pizza express, what about beer express first?
"Next stop, drunkenness!"
Doesn't have to be. Go anywhere you want. Chinese? Indian?
As long as it's... it's on me!
Here we go. The three musketeers!
Oh, I just remembered I can't. I've just remembered something I've got to do.
Uh oh! Just us two, then. What sort of clubs are around here?
- I'm not going to a club. - You bloody are!